Terrific Tesco - Lucky Port Glasgow!

At last I've managed to collect my thoughts on the Big Tesco at Port Glasgow, Scotland's biggest and best store. I've mentioned this so many times before and frankly I've been so overwhelmed by wonder and excitement that I wasn't able to put pen to paper. Where do you start with something as good as this and how do you start to explain all the complex cross-cutting themes that underpin this fantastic achievement? First of all let's get the disappointment out of the way - I don't know who designed this. Looking at the sheer panache and style it could certainly be one of my favourites but equally it could be SMC Parr or Halliday Fraser Munro - someone in the office said they both had a no-nonsense approach to bashing out entirely commercial solutions. This would fit the bill for Tesco - excellent in fact!

Let's have a look at another photo. In this one above you can see the sheer scale of the development - acres of car parking draining directly into the River Clyde which is a readymade filter bed for the SUDS system. Also you can see the way that the site has been built up from the surrounding ground level - this is required by new Scottish Government legislation which says that all new development must be built 2 metres higher than existing levels to prevent flooding. This means that while surrounding areas may be inundated and destroyed in the future, Tesco will be safe - a clever move. Incidentally this would mean that Park Page's stupid wee library in Port Glasgow's derelict town centre would also be destroyed - that will be a blessing for the town! Anyway, you can see that Tesco has a direct footpath connection to the riverside. This is so that dad and the kids can go down to the river and throw stones at empty Buckfast bottles while mum does the shopping - so it's a big tick for a family day out!

You could get lost in this Tesco and helpfully, in common with other Central Scotland superstores, pigeons are allowed to nest on the internal structure of the roof - so you just need to look up and see where the pigeons are and they can guide you to the checkouts. Pigeons inside, seagulls on the roof outside - Tesco have generously provided a huge roof (echoing the old shipyard buildings of the town) for seagulls to sit around on. No photovoltaics here though they are trying to put up a couple of windmills to show people that they are taking the sustainability agenda seriously. Well it's inevitable that some quiche-eating hippies will hang out there, buying petrol for their camper vans and looking to score points against Tesco.

Yes - this is a development of pure brilliance! Congratulations to everyone involved for their outstanding creative input and their care and concern for the future wellbeing of the area. Lucky Port Glasgow!

Trees and town planning

You know, Mary Fisher's excellent comments on my last post about safety in urban areas and the dangers of trees in particular got me thinking about stories I've heard in the past years - well done Mary! I thought I would put these together into a sort of advice note for my fellow town planners who might be involved in ground breaking new developments - like me. The advice is about trees, perverts, head lice and sheep.

The first concerns a rather voluptuous young female friend of mine whose house and garden backed onto a railway line with an embankment covered in trees. The police arrived one day to tell her that they had arrested a pervert who had built a small hut in the tree overlooking her garden (and bedroom) and that judging from some of the newspapers found there, he had been watching her for almost two years! They also said he must have had a great time but I think this was unnecessary information. So my first bit of advice is to cut down all trees at the back of gardens and if you can't, obtain a long pole and closely inspect the upper branches for unlawful structures that may not have planning permission and may conceal a pervert. It may be possible to dislodge him.

My second piece of advice is about trees and sheep. You know, I like to think that Auchterness is a thriving metropolis - and it will be someday! But the reality for now is that it's still quite rural so we have farmers and sheep to deal with. Now any farmer will tell you that insects and infestations hide in trees and drop onto sheep grazing below when they are not looking. That's why you hear of things like ticks, blowfly and maggots hiding in shelterbelts infesting whole herds of sheep while flocks of cattle escape because of their shiny skins. So my picture above shows a dead tree and some sheep - that's the way it should be.

But wait - it's not impossible to imagine that trees contain human head lice too - you know the nice wee itchy things we used to share with our friends at school? If so, there would be a strong case for cutting down many more trees in rural and urban areas or at least spraying them with chemicals. We have a old guy called John McManus in the village who has an axe and usually cuts down things that are a nuisance - he enjoys it - so maybe I'll give him a phone next week and see what we can do.

A great underground experience!

I meant to post this a few weeks ago when I was down in Glasgow looking at the ugly new Transport Museum emerging down by the Kelvin. I haven't been on the underground for years and boy was I impressed. Strathclyde Partnership for Transport (SPT) the guys who run this show have really got their act together in recent times with advertising plastered about all over the place - on walls, on trains, on windows, on ticket machines and even on the floors. It looks great! Far better than the original brown and cream look from the 1980s. I'll tell you something else - if you go to some Continental cities like Berlin or London you won't see anything like this. They haven't got the advertising bug or frankly, the sheer class, that makes Glasgow's underground railway so great - it's in your face and must swell the coffers of the company massively.

Another great thing is that they save public money by shutting down the escalators at the busiest times of day which also saves on maintenance costs. Oh yes and I forgot to mention the booming public address system that puts the fear of death into fare dodgers. Overall I'm very impressed that a public organisation pretending to be a private company behaves in this exemplary manner.

But the SPT got caught out recently by the Council. They installed beautiful silver bollards at each station entrance to stop people taking their cars down to the platforms - a sensible move as the stairs are a bit steep in places. Anyway the Council discovered this and asked the SPT to submit retrospective planning applications for the bollards. How petty! It's about time Alex Salmond wrote some new laws for town planners to make them concentrate on the things that matter and not harass fantastic organisations like the SPT over trivial issues.

Incidentally you'll see in the photo above, the legs of a beggar sitting at the entrance to the subway - that's quite typical in Glasgow and the sooner this is dealt with the better it will be for everyone.

By the way, I forgot to mention that you can 'follow' me on Twitter now! Isn't the wide world web so great?

Thank you Frankie and Benny!

Well I'm back in my wee house now and feeling a little bit flat to say the least. I picked up the wee boy yesterday and we went down to Frankie & Benny's at Perth's St Catherine's Leisure Park - quite a long drive. It was a bit up market and we might have been better in the ever-wonderful KFC but there you go. But Frankie's is such a good looking place and I felt very much at home there. It cheered me up for a wee while and the waitresses were magnificent. Well done to them and thank you Frankie and Benny!

I wasn't at my best though and to be honest I was consumed with anger and jealousy at the thought of my lovely wife and her young lover enjoying the pleasures of the flesh while I was away with my boy.

But apart from having the dry boke for much of the day, I was able to see some positives in Perth's wee retail park. It's not great but the essentials are there - plenty of car parking and some great buildings - especially Halfords. Good enough for the people of Perth - most of whom are English anyway.

More attacks on my hero

You know, sometimes I think Scotland is a horrible wee country. Look at the terrible things that people have done to statues across the land, trying to besmirch the good reputation of my hero Donald Trump. This is the work of the Menie Liberation Army, a bunch of sandal wearing nincompoops who are trying to halt progress on Donald's groundbreaking development just north of Aberdeen - and in the most childish manner possible. I'm confident that this will not help their case at all and that Donald will be triumphant! Businessman extraordinaire, developer, successful with younger woman, rich beyond measure and a genius - how good can one life get! Oh yes and 100% Scottish.

Anyway, this is the September weekend in many parts of Scotland and I'm going to see my young son for the first time in many months. As you probably realise, he lives with his mother - my lovely wife - and her young lover. I can't divulge details as I value his privacy, but I do wish he would stop calling me Grandad. It just isn't fair and I'm worried that they are poisoning my relationship with him. It's very upsetting but we will rise above it - maybe I will take him to a nice retail park somewhere - who knows.

Fantastic Eurocentral!

You know, I could kick myself. I was down in Lanarkshire last week as you know and managed to have a quick peek at what must be one of Scotland's premier developments - the Bellshill Hilton. Guess what - I didn't use the opportunity to go and visit Keppie's big business park at Eurocentral near Holytown and Mossend just a short distance away! I used to go out with a lovely young maiden from Holytown but that's another matter. Keppies are one of Scotland's leading firms when it comes to building prestige developments on greenfield sites and really one of the intellectual powerhouses in the field. Certainly one of my favourite consultancies as you know.

Well they've really hit the nail on the head this time. I gather that this is a magnificent piece of work and the drawings look just great - wee Alex Salmond himself said he was "delighted". What a terrific honour and a real shot in the arm for the guys that put this together. Did you know for example that most of the people who will work there can drive there because there is plentiful car parking and easy access from the M8? That's one in the eye for the public transport lobby, crying into their sandals as usual. And the landscaping is truly luscious - a veritable green paradise of golf courses and ponds where wildlife can be communed with. Biodiversity is increasingly important in our complicated world so that's another box ticked. Also according to the Keppie press release there are over 27 football pitches on the site and 756,000 sq ft of grade 'A' office space - quite an achievement to get the buildings listed as Category A so early in their lives. Really I must make a special trip down there to visit this magnificent place - a Versailles for Central Scotland.

Yes this must qualify as one of my top developments of the year alongside the Bellshill Hilton, the Tesco at Port Glasgow and possibly the new Asda at Ardrossan which was built with the generous assistance of Clydeport who donated the land. They are also one of my heroes due to their world famous and excellent development at Glasgow Harbour. Really we are very lucky to be surrounded by such great projects and I feel slightly jealous that we haven't managed to achieve this at my wee Auchterness - so far.

Tribute to a genius

I know I've written a lot recently and some impertinent folk in the office were suggesting today that I had nothing better to do. Ridiculous. As you know I like to think of myself as a man of good taste and judgement (except when it comes to the fairer sex). I was absolutely thrilled to see the BBC website carrying a feature about my favourite all time artist Jack Vettriano! You can read about him here and what a modest down-to-earth sort of guy he is - just like me!

Now apparently Jack is about to unveil a series of paintings he describes as the most difficult project he has undertaken in his 20-year career. He spent nine months in his studio producing 10 paintings inspired by a Clyde-built yacht which is 100 years old on Saturday. That's more than one painting a month - it would take me longer than that to paint a room in my wee house! These paintings are absolutely superb and I will get one for the hall as soon as they arrive in some of the larger branches of Boots.

But I have a bigger plan that's got a lot to do with planning my own wee Auchterness. I'm going to try to commission Jack to paint a gable end next to the public toilets - you know, like they used to do in the slums of Glasgow just to brighten the place up. I think I'm going to choose the painting above. It will really turn the place round and I will be known across the UK as a connoisseur of the arts. Isn't that a great idea?