Trees and town planning

You know, Mary Fisher's excellent comments on my last post about safety in urban areas and the dangers of trees in particular got me thinking about stories I've heard in the past years - well done Mary! I thought I would put these together into a sort of advice note for my fellow town planners who might be involved in ground breaking new developments - like me. The advice is about trees, perverts, head lice and sheep.

The first concerns a rather voluptuous young female friend of mine whose house and garden backed onto a railway line with an embankment covered in trees. The police arrived one day to tell her that they had arrested a pervert who had built a small hut in the tree overlooking her garden (and bedroom) and that judging from some of the newspapers found there, he had been watching her for almost two years! They also said he must have had a great time but I think this was unnecessary information. So my first bit of advice is to cut down all trees at the back of gardens and if you can't, obtain a long pole and closely inspect the upper branches for unlawful structures that may not have planning permission and may conceal a pervert. It may be possible to dislodge him.

My second piece of advice is about trees and sheep. You know, I like to think that Auchterness is a thriving metropolis - and it will be someday! But the reality for now is that it's still quite rural so we have farmers and sheep to deal with. Now any farmer will tell you that insects and infestations hide in trees and drop onto sheep grazing below when they are not looking. That's why you hear of things like ticks, blowfly and maggots hiding in shelterbelts infesting whole herds of sheep while flocks of cattle escape because of their shiny skins. So my picture above shows a dead tree and some sheep - that's the way it should be.

But wait - it's not impossible to imagine that trees contain human head lice too - you know the nice wee itchy things we used to share with our friends at school? If so, there would be a strong case for cutting down many more trees in rural and urban areas or at least spraying them with chemicals. We have a old guy called John McManus in the village who has an axe and usually cuts down things that are a nuisance - he enjoys it - so maybe I'll give him a phone next week and see what we can do.