Thursday, 29 October 2009

Trump tees off - with Pampas Grass!

 Donald's dune stabilisation solution - pampas grass
You know, the sheer brilliance and ingenuity of my hero the Great Donald Trump never ceases to amaze me. Flying in the face of the gypsies and thieves camped out on the site of what will be the Greatest Golf Course in the World, Donald has set about stabilising the useless sand dunes that harbour midges, newts and other pests that may distract the golfer on his way round God's Own Golf Course.
pampas grass - the civilised solution
But guess what he is using? Maybe I've given the game away to you gardening types who will know the answer immediately. Yes - Pampas Grass! Fantastic! Now this is highly technical work - sand dunes can move and are quite dangerous in the wrong hands. They can destroy a golf course in certain wind conditions and can even envelope tees, a fairway or even a golfer himself, so it's entirely appropriate that this problem is dealt with before the first round is played. Pampas grass is the recognised answer to this problem.
the white variety will look good on a golf course
But this is not just to do with technical issues - there is the question of style. No one will want to play on a golf course that looks like a stretch of old sand dunes with bits of fields in between so Donald and his servile architect Gareth Hopkins have come up with the idea of coloured Pampas Grass. This is a fantastic innovation and I must admit I'm beginning to see the value in using this guy Hopkins - if it his idea of course. Pink will bring a touch of colour too and of course it reminds me of the expensive negligee I bought my lovely wife in happier times. But pure suburban style from Donald and his team.
ideal around the tenth hole
My final word on this tremendous news for Aberdeenshire and for all the inbred loons living in old railway coaches and black houses around Menie is that soon your pockets will be bulging with cash as the trickle-down effect of Trump's goodness flows into your bank accounts. Jobs in table service, polishing shoes, washing cars and clearing drains will make you rich beyond your wildest dreams. Fantastic! This is regeneration in action and a great victory for Scottish Town Planners.


Nemesis said...

I laughed out loud! Thank you!

Nemesis said...

But, seriously Dave, I wonder if this could have a wider application.

You know, The Donald is a little (whisper) follically challenged. Not, of course, that the combover makes him any less attractive, but there may be problems in Aberdeenshire in winter on that world-class gold resort keeping what hair he has left in place without glue. So - do you think Trump's architect (if it is he) could be onto something big here?

Of course, it may take the application of manure first, but I have no doubt the Trump organisation has plenty to hand.

So, all that remains to consider - pink or blonde?

Dave Thompson said...

Well you've set me a puzzler there dear Nemesis! I rather like Donald's hair and even on his visit to Stornoway to visit his beloved relatives, the wind hardly ruffled his feathers - so to speak. I'm all in favour of using muck-spreaders to shower the liars and tinkers of Menie - maybe they will grow some good manners as a result. I'll think about it though!