Sunday, 9 September 2018

The Professor Saves Galloway

Larne to Portpatrick Bridge

You know, I've been taking a back seat as far as commenting on the unfolding excellence of developer-led planning in our lovely wee country. It is so successful that I don't need to comment on it - much. All the boxes are ticked, and all the right people are in the right place. Wee Craigie McLaren is compliant, and even Petra Biberbach, the uber-boss of PAS has sided with the development lobby against communities concerning rights of appeal.  It's another smack in the face for the great unwashed. The Barton Willmore Times (aka the Scottish Planner) is on-message. All very satisfactory.

One thing that had me glued to the edge of my seat though was a series of announcements over the last few months about the proposal to connect Scotland to Northern Ireland by a bridge - it's such a fantastic idea and a brilliant act of invention. Isn't it? In my mind's eye, I saw a small person, a rather insignificant man,  perched on a high stool, bent over his papers, lost in the act of creation - a bit like Isambard Kingdom Brunel but without the top hat. I knew immediately that this just had to come from a visionary and a genius.  I wasn't disappointed.

The man behind this is Professor Alan Dunlop who is a leading architect in Scotland and the UK - if not, in the world.  I had a notion that this was the sort of fantastic idea that might have emerged from Aberdeen, my favourite city (in the world) and indeed Professor Dunlop has a strong connection with Aberdeen through Robert Gordon University - fantastic!

It's a totally unique proposal, entirely unlike similar bridges in Denmark, Sweden, France or China. Many of these other bridges carry trains, cyclists and walkers - even gardens, but this bridge is resolutely car friendly - which is good.

The bridge is the sort of future-facing proposal that could make Portpatrick an epicentre of dynamic growth and invigorate the whole south-west Scotland region, giving Dumfries and Galloway an actual reason to exist - which it certainly doesn't have at the moment.   We need more Professor Alan Dunlops.

One thing that disappointed me about this singular and original act of erudition was that Professor Dunlop had asked someone to draw the bridge in a sort of 19th-century etched style which resembles the feverish scratchings of a prisoner in a cell. So antiquated and so out of place in 21st century Scotland.

Anyway, his idea gets a huge gold star in my little black book, and my hearty congratulations go out to Professor 'Isambard' Dunlop and all the newspapers and learned journals who have been uncritically publishing this story regularly for the last six months. Let's build this!

Saturday, 6 June 2015

Dumfries set to boom as Ryder engage!

Team Ryder - Becky, Cathy and Jeremy speak from a rockery near Dumfries
Team Ryder - Becky, Cathy and Jeremy speak from a rockery near Dumfries
You know, I'm aware that my fans look forward to my exciting reviews of happenings in the wonderful world of Scottish property development and planning. My reviews come from the coalface of planning itself, steeped in years of knowledge and expertise from an expert planner - myself. When I read on the Urban Realm gossip website that the Crichton Trust had appointed Ryder Architecture to develop a masterplan for their Estate in Dumfries I knew that only good things would happen for that sad town.

Ryder Architecture is one of the top architecture firms in Europe - if not the World! Currently 58th in the UK according to the AJ but that will be rubbish as usual. I would say that they might even rival Keppies or Halliday Fraser Munro in the Pantheon of Superlatives. They oil the wheels of the development industry wherever they go, lubricating, throwing up all manner of buildings and bending right over the drawing board to satisfy the deepest desires of their clients.
Ryder Architecture's stupendous CSI Gartcosh Building
Ryder Architecture's stupendous CSI Gartcosh Building

It's the kind of architecture that goes unnoticed - an architecture that dare not speak its name. But to an expert eye, their triumphs at CSI Gartcosh, Glasgow Harbour and numerous proposals for power stations speckled along the east coast of our lovely wee country mark them out as giants in a field of midgets. A stunning achievement. Penetrating and upright, Ryder has been responsible for some of the biggest erections that have been seen in Scotland and the North East of England - ever. Yet they are modest too - their website informs us that:
" is accepted that we cannot all be excellent in every area so, given baseline ability across the board, our people focus on developing, and playing to their strengths. Whilst reward is essential, and to achieve this we need to generate profits, we are motivated by projects rather than money..."

Reassuring indeed and a beacon of common sense in a field of flabby talk from couture practices that hide behind intellectual justification and produce tosh. So even in circumstances where they can only assemble a team of lightweights, they can still make a profit. That's the mark of a sensible company.

Anyway, this proposal for the former site of a lunatic asylum in the miserable town of Dumfries looks set to be a grand project. You would have to be nuts not to appreciate that! Dumfries is known as a historic town - of that there is no doubt. But that also means that nothing significant has happened there for centuries, hence the title. My colleague Duncan advised me that it was 'too close to England to be good for anything' and I had to remind him that his was an unfair, inaccurate and uncalled for remark. I'm sure Borg leader and STP Chief Officer Prentice will have some solutions for Dumfries but meanwhile it will be up to the dynamic team at Ryder to save the town.

At the moment, details are sketchy but, speaking from a rockery in the Crichton Estate, Architectural Director Jeremy Armitage said that we can expect to see a 'Development and Spatial Framework for the future development of the Crichton Estate' which will 'explore development options and opportunities for new buildings of architectural note appropriate to the setting.' Of course these are just nonsense words to keep the client happy - great isn't it? Ryder will also engage, develop, understand, examine, justify, set out, establish and include various things. That's a huge number of boxes ticked in one sentence! Clearly they are on the ball! In addition, Rob Shaw, Chief Executive of the Crichton Trust said, "This project provides an exciting opportunity to develop a Masterplan for the future growth of the Crichton Estate and to re-energise the Crichton Regeneration Project with a range of ideas and options for the future.” You can read more about it here.

I will certainly be keeping a watching brief on this magnificent project which is bound to be 'up for an Award' as people say these days. The Crichton Trust should be congratulated by everyone involved in Scotland’s built environment for their wise choice in appointing such a fantastic team that is so deeply, deeply rooted in design to develop their Estate, moving forward. May their radiance light up the darkness of Dumfries!

In the meantime, all the best from Auchterness to my thousands of fans. I will write again soon!

Sunday, 31 May 2015

The Borg seek perfection

How to build the perfect town - the centre page spread from the Sunday Herald
The centre page spread from the Sunday Herald
You know, I was halfway through writing a lovely wee story this week about lambs playing in the fields and the beauty of our late Scottish spring. But when I opened my personal copy of the Sunday Herald this morning I choked on my Coco Pops when I saw a desperately attention seeking article on the Scottish Towns Partnership. My mood darkened. 

The article was apparently written by obscure poet John Burnside and is obviously what is called a 'placed article' - basically an advertisement feature dressed up as some sort of hymn of praise to the man they call Chief Officer Prentice and his Auchterarder based cliché sect. It's an excellent way of keeping yourself in the news - even if you have nothing original or interesting to say. The RTPI have been in a similar position for years but to my knowledge have never sought to place an article in a Sunday tabloid. But apparently the Sunday Herald is the STP's media partner so placing this article must have been quite easy.
We are Borg! We are STP!
I should say that RTPI are now part of the STP setup - they have been absorbed as a partner organisation. This is bad news for Wee Craigie McLaren's outfit as once again, they have sold their identity, autonomy and independence down the river of partnering and uttering mealy-mouth words in committees. Do they have anything left to give planners in Scotland?
We are RTPI - no sorry, we are Borg!
Described as 'Essay of the Week: Dreamscapes: imagining the perfect Scottish town', this article is a collection of some very familiar thoughts about 'silver bullet solutions', 'model towns', 'ugly roads that dissect towns' and 'sticking points'. Then Burnside drifts into the realms of the absurd such as suggesting samba dancing or martial arts in public spaces. I think Police Scotland would clamp down on that. Then we have birds, foxes, deer, bats, hedgehogs and voles - all very important to old Mrs McClure's newspaper shop - just like the dawn chorus on the way to work apparently. It's the low-hanging soup of planning. 
each town will be perfect!
You know, the trouble with Burnside is that he isn't a planner. All this talk of newts and toads reminds me of the great Honorary Doctor Donald Trump and his wonderful golf course at Menie on the Aberdeenshire coast. He crushed these small animals with his own feet because he saw that enterprise was more important than a few slugs in the corner of a field. To talk of 'the perfect Scottish town' is hopelessly naive. As an expert planner I can tell you that applying the intelligence of rich and clever people to any situation is always going to be better than cosying up to rabbits and ferrets.
our portal is our call to action
Of course you might wonder if the deeds of the STP should speak more loudly than their calls to action, their portal, their workshops and their clutch of Scottish experts like celebrity shopper Leigh Sparks and master of economics, Sir Robert Crawford CBE. This is the man who single-handedly implemented a fantastic range of initiatives that revolutionised the Scottish economy during his time at Scottish Enterprise.

We are portal!

I completely see why Chief Officer Prentice wants to get as much publicity as possible - he needs to perform for the Scottish Government so he is under a lot of pressure. My advice is to work quietly and achieve good things - if you haven't done anything worthwhile, just shut up.

All the best from Auchterness - have a great week. I'll be back again soon. Cheeriebye for now.

Saturday, 16 May 2015

Scottish Towns Partnership - welcome to the hive!

In The Scottish Towns Partnership's Hall of Mirrors with Chief Officer Prentice and Julian Dobson
In the STP's Hall of Mirrors

You know, when I was investigating the secretive organisation known as EDAS last week, I came across a number of other organisations claiming to do the job of planners. It’s a crowded field with groups of hooded crows cackling away to each other on the fences beside the newly ploughed furrows of the regeneration landscape. Perhaps it’s more like an untidy nest of squawking nestlings, all shouting for attention.

Whether just noisy neighbours or cuckoos, one of the loudest seems to be the Scottish Towns Partnership (STP) whose Twitter handle is ‘the go-to body for town centres’. Exciting indeed! I was literally glued to the edge of my seat as their website opened. While bodies are usually dead, this one is ‘a hive of activity’ and a ‘repository for a wealth of intelligence … around policy conversations’ - not surprising really as it is getting a large sack of dosh from the Scottish Government to look busy and make a lot of noise. While much of the STP website text might have been written by Lewis Carroll, the organisation is clearly a major new cliché portal for planners and is therefore extremely important. I was entranced. It is an organisation that will have the entire staff of RTPI Scotland quaking in their plush Edinburgh HQ!

But wait! I was astounded to find that the Registered Office of STP is in Auchterarder - just like EDAS!  Truly this deservedly bypassed town is emerging as the centre for clichés in Scotland and for organisations trying to ape the expertise of real planners. The STP claims to partner with over 30 organisations in Scotland and seems to present itself as some sort of elite corps. That will be why the boss of the outfit, Chief Officer Prentice, has adopted a military title! A quick look at the Board members of STP reveals the usual suspects. It’s an Addams Family of folk on MBE watch. When I saw the name Robert Crawford I knew that this organisation was going to bring about radical change in Scottish Towns - just as Scottish Enterprise did with the Scottish economy when he was in charge! Apparently STP's ‘call to action will be the new national Towns Web Portal’. This is serious sabre-rattling and again, the RTPI will be shaking in their brown suits and suede shoes. 

Now you might ask where the local authorities are in this new landscape of expert organisations. Well I can tell you. Nowhere! Council planners are the customers - the second class citizens screened from view unless they can pay to attend events. This is an enterprise view of the world and is therefore completely welcome as far as I am concerned. If you don't have money you simply do not exist.

I’ve discussed this situation with robber barons from a number of local authorities (while I smirked inside) and they are sick of these so-called expert organisations. It’s a living death for most planners but they have brought it on themselves. While most of them have been sitting in their toilets for hours with the Daily Record or going on extended ’site visits’ to IKEA, the folks at the STP have been busy organising a blizzard of courses and other events at which planners will be told how stupid they are and lectured about what they are doing wrong. In this major new industry you pay to be patronised and insulted. Great isn’t it? It’s the Market in action!

Key shopper Leigh Sparks and Chair of STP recently gave a rundown of their recent Quarterly Board Meeting on his blog under the rather pretentious title of “Places of Possibility; Spaces of Opportunity”, which is rather close to the RTPI’s strapline ‘medication of space - making of place’ don’t you think? Appropriately this meeting was held at the Storytelling Centre in Edinburgh and was a day of cakes and scones, back-slapping, group-hugs and … well … storytelling. A friend of mine corroborated this and told me that significantly, the event was held in two rooms - firstly in an Echo Chamber then in a Hall of Mirrors.
Do you hear feedback or is that just the echo chamber?
I understand that some planners are organising a petition to Barton Willmore (aka RTPI Scotland) calling for an issue of the Barton Willmore Times (aka The Scottish Planner) to be dedicated to exposing this growth of unlicensed ’practitioners’. I expect that Wee Craigie McLaren will come down heavily on the man they call Chief Officer Prentice when he realises what the game is.
RTPI - life as an outcast - get used to it
RTPI - life as an outcast - get used to it
So it is death by a thousand cuts for a once loved planning profession that now exists as a hated underclass shuffling about on the periphery of the main event. Now anyone can step up to the table and do the job of a planner - but only after they have been to an STP event. For some it’s a scandal that has to be addressed by Barton Willmore as sponsors of RTPI Scotland. For others it is simply the concluding chapter of a story that has run its course. A soap opera started in 1914 that no one cares about anymore.

As I’ve said before, a good set of clichés is a precursor to success in the world of regeneration and planning. The Scottish Towns Partnership seems to be admirably equipped in this regard so good luck to Chief Officer Prentice and his magnificent new portal. It’s another smack in the face for planners and RTPI Scotland who should act now before it is too late. They have to lean into the strike zone and take one for the team, lance the boil and move forward effectively. And they have to do this immediately!
The Borg
My hearty congratulations go out to Chief Officer Prentice and the STP. They have stolen the RTPI’s clothes and reworded their strapline. I hope they enjoy their moment in the sun. They deserve every success. They are the New Borg! 

All the best from Auchterness - remember to drop in for a nice wee cup of tea and a biscuit if you are passing. Cheeriebye for now and take care when you are out and about.

Saturday, 9 May 2015

The EDAS Route Map for Common Ambition

one of the regular EDAS backslapping sessions
one of the regular EDAS backslapping sessions

You know, you can wait for weeks for one good cliché to come along and then 58 come along at the same time! I was settling down to read the Scottish Government's Town Centre Masterplanning Toolkit the other day when my colleague Duncan came rushing into the office brandishing a six page document. It was called the EDAS Route Map for Common Ambition. Now Ordnance Survey, TomTom, First Group and Arriva all have route maps so why not EDAS? Useful I'm sure - and they don't want to be left out!

You might ask about EDAS itself - what is it and why? Well I can reveal that it is a secretive organisation apparently operating from a Council house in Auchterarder - and why not? Auchterarder needs all the help it can get! The organisation is chaired by my old boss Sir Robert Crawford CBE and I'm sure he is very comfortable working out of the cupboard beneath the stairs - well away from the goldfish bowl! You might have thought that the Economic Development Association Scotland might have had prestigious offices perhaps in Edinburgh or Glasgow but no. Mind you, being mean and a cheapskate is a sound approach to economics - most rich and clever people are mean! A quick look at the EDAS website reveals a glittering array of Directors and Executive Staff - a veritable smörgåsbord of unappealingly cold dishes. But it's a handy cut-out-and-keep list of Scottish do-gooders and faceless committee fodder looking for an OBE.

Anyway, Duncan was obviously distressed by this publication and was struggling to figure out what a Common Ambition might be. He said when he was young, a woman who picked her nose in public was called 'common' and why would anyone aspire to that? I stared at him in amazement as the dunked Rich Tea biscuit slowly fell into my mug of tea. I ushered him out of my office, offering to read the document at home that evening. I'm always keen to help staff whenever possible.

True to my word I settled down with a mug of Ovaltine to read the Route Map to Common Ambition that evening and I was amazed by what I read. Truly this is a work of great genius which articulates, develops and synthesises many discussion points. I was quivering with excitement after the first paragraph. At its core, this is an evolving policy analysis framework designed to ensure that key aspects of Scottish economic development are kept at the forefront of debate, analysis and comment. After the first page I had broken out in a sweat. By the time I had read "identify evidence and metrics that facilitate a pan-economic development community understanding of the policy area" I was in a lather of expectation. I felt as if a beautiful unmarried Russian damsel was massaging my ears with honey and perfumed water while her friend was digging my back garden.

Like a fine wine, I realised that this document was only going to improve with age. It was one of the most extensive collections of clichés I had ever come across. You see, planners need clichés - it is the way that they communicate with each other and without them we would be lost. And an Expert Planner needs Expert Clichés.

I decided to pace myself and went for a walk in the garden, promising to read it later. As I was passing the rhubarb bed it occurred to me that I had held in my hands the very means to enable the economic future of our lovely wee country. After my brief walk I resumed my analysis of this seminal work and became exhausted by the sheer bravado and intellectual endeavour of it all. I slept soundly.

The next day I asked Duncan to come to my room. His mood hadn't improved. I explained to him that this was a magnificent document that represented one of the highest peaks of intellectual thought focused on economic development seen so far in the history of Scotland and that I was deeply moved by almost every sentence. He was furious and accused me of being a crawler, a puppet and a simpleton. "How can you say this is a great document when you probably don't understand a single sentence?" I bridled. "It's written in some of the worst management speak you will ever come across! It is pretentious junk from beginning to end!" I advised him to watch his language or he would be facing disciplinary action. I tried to explain to him that it was necessary to write like this so that no one would understand it - in that way you make the document seem important and exclusive. He snatched the document from my desk and put it through the shredder. "I have better things to do than talk to people like you!" he shouted as he slammed the door. There will be an official response to his impertinence.

Whatever my members of staff think, I heartily recommend this magnificent collection of ideas to everyone. Well done Bob, EDAS and all the other contributors - a great piece of work. Cheeriebye from Auchterness and have a great week. I'll be back soon.

Wednesday, 15 April 2015

A welcome to Pamela Ewing

Pamela Ewing
The wonderful Pamela Ewing

You know, this morning when I opened my own personal copy of the Scottish Planner (aka The Barton Willmore Times) I burst out laughing! My fans will know that I'm partial to a bit of dressing up so when I saw the Convenor's Comments on page 3, I assumed that the lovely wee photo top right was Stephen Tucker - in drag. As I've explained before, cross-dressing is rife in the world of planning and property development. It must be some deep-seated desire to have a more interesting life than that of a grim Development Manager.

But after a bit of research I realised that RTPI Scotland has a new Convenor. Stephen Tucker has left the building although his wonderful company Barton Willmore still has a stranglehold on Wee Craigie McLaren's empire, with a bigger logo on the cover of the Scottish Planner than RTPI Scotland. What does that tell you?

So welcome to Convenor Pamela Ewing! Being an older planner, the very name conjures up memories for me of the Dallas TV series and the oil-rich family that inspired the transformation of Aberdeen from a village of gossiping cod wives and farmers into the most successful and dynamic city in Scotland - if not in Europe! Pamela is the Brown Owl of TayPlan, an important strategic organisation that, among other things, keeps perma-tanned Dundee planning boss Mike Galloway in check.  A useful and important role!

Significantly, she is deeply embedded in the public sector so she supports the weak and the feeble - such as those who have written articles for this issue of the Barton Willmore Times - and that's great!  These folk need all the help they can get with their floundering careers!  I'm also full of praise for Pamela because she has laid a glove on the treacherous John Glenday of gossip magazine Urban Realm, pulling him up for his ridiculous and ill-informed Carbuncles Award which my fans will know was presented to Aberdeen this year in a disgraceful and uncalled for attack. Pamela has called out the ignorant Glenday for negative plaice branding but to be honest, I'm not sure if he knows what this means! After all, he is only using the Carbuncles Award to get publicity for his magazine - which is really just 'Hello!' for architects in Scotland. Mind you I could change my mind about that if he would let me write a few articles for it!

But apart from the great news about our Convenor, this issue of the Scottish Planner is very boring. Big Pudding Face Alex Neil MSP presents a dreary article obviously written by a civil servant. Most of the contributors need to go back to school and learn a bit about grammar and sentence construction.  Sadly many fine words are lost in seas of badly punctuated drivel. There seems to be a love of the cliché and the platitude. For example on page 15, 'we must look to the long term and be pragmatic as well as creative'. For goodness sake!  The Barton Willmore Times needs to draw a line under this sort of vanity publishing, exercise stronger editorial control and say a firm no to self aggrandisement.

Also, these contributors look like scary folk with police records - don't they? Barton Willmore need to look at sourcing some more user-friendly photographs from their contributors. Or perhaps this is a calculated move to make public sector folk look ridiculous.
West, Prentice, Hilton and Blyth Prisoners from Cell Block H
West, Prentice, Hilton and Blyth
Prisoners from Cell Block H

I'm impressed by young Pamela though - she seems to have done more in a few weeks than Stephen Tucker did in a year. People say that he was too busy strutting around trying to win work and writing endless dreary articles of self-praise laced with faux-modesty. So it's a clever move by Barton Willmore to bring Pamela on board for the year and I'm looking forward to more from her. I'm also happy to provide her with a list of people that she could lay a glove on next.  As the Barton Willmore empire continues to expand we can only stand back in amazement and applaud their dynamic efforts. 

All the best from Auchterness. I'll be back soon with more exciting news and action from Scotland's dynamic planning scene. Cheeriebye for now!

Sunday, 12 April 2015

Kelpies reach the tipping point

The collapsing Kelpies
The collapsing Kelpies

You know, I was delighted to read in the Scotsman that millionaire cliché artist Andy Scott's terrible sculpture on the Forth and Clyde Canal near Falkirk is sinking into the primordial slime from which it should never have emerged in the first place. It will be closed for up to a year.

Apparently a wee woman from San Andreas noticed it was falling over in a time-lapse video she made on a visit there last year. The fact that no one else noticed this is frankly amazing in these days of due diligence and customer care. This would never happen in Auchterness! I'm sure that the consultants who were tasked with ensuring that this large pile of scrap metal stood up will be looking closely at their professional indemnity insurance policies!

Hopefully this will send out a message to Scottish Canals, Scottish Enterprise and Falkirk Council - as well as other public sector agencies trying to badge their regeneration projects with oversized tat - that employing Dreckmeister Scott to produce his patronising and ridiculous scrap metal compositions is never the best way forward. I appreciate how hard it is for regeneration folk to stop saying 'New Visitor Centre and an Andy Scott' or 'New Business Park and an Andy Scott' or 'I have this fantastic idea for a project and an Andy Scott', as if the words 'and an Andy Scott' were some sort of Talisman. These folk require a lot of counselling and care so that they can be relieved of this terrible mindset and hopefully move on to other things.

Disappointingly, there are plans underway to stabilise the structure. This is a serious error of judgement as the better way forward is obviously to let the Kelpies sink slowly into the mud. This would be a fantastic experiential art concept that would be far more meaningful than the original dreck. It might take years to disappear completely but the 'live death' would attract far more visitors than the meagre 350,000 folk who have who have gone to gawp at it so far. I suppose there is nothing else to do in a dump like Falkirk and for people who enjoy Strictly Come Dancing, The X Factor and The Apprentice, a visit to The Helix is just bringing the cheap thrill outdoors. I'm sure this very cleverly ticks a Green Agenda box somewhere!

But karma is a great thing isn't? That's at least the second of Scott's terrible artworks to suffer an unintended fate. I reported with glee back in February 2011 when the dreadful Man in Motion sculpture at Tullibody was felled and largely destroyed by a selfless motorist. I'm looking forward to the removal of more of these terrible structures which pollute our lovely wee Scottish landscape. Rust in Peace!

It's been a week of great excitement in the Scottish press and planning matters are up front where they deserve to be. I'll be back very soon with more great stories from the world of the expert planner. All the best from Auchterness and cheeriebye for now.