Scottish Planners are so great!

I was delighted to receive my own personal copy of the Scottish Planner yesterday. Guess what - it's in colour! Looks great doesn't it? Fantastic!

Sponsored by Halcrow and Biggart Baillie it's a great looking magazine and quite honestly I haven't been able to put it down. You know Halcrow are one of the best firms around the Scottish consultancy scene - they have some clever people working there with a big reputation for producing exactly what the client wants. They also do very big reports and I've always been impressed by the number of attractive fold out plans they have - that's because I'm a very visual person. Anyway, full marks to them for sponsoring this and turning the magazine into a genuine work of art.

Looking at the back cover had my mouth watering at the glittering display of talent in the Directory of Consultants. Fantastic companies like Keppie with their outstanding history really make me want to leave Auchterness immediately and head for the big city where fortune doubtless awaits. Who knows - they might read this and offer me a top job straight away!

But Roger Tym and Partners with their motto 'moving forward in new ways...' really got me excited. Just like the Institute's motto 'making of place - meditation of space', it reminds me of the days when my wife and I used to watch Star Trek and the adventures of Captain James T Kirk. Sadly these days have gone but hopefully there will soon be new frontiers for me to explore.

By the way, there's been no word so far from the Sheikh of Ascot about taking me on as his personal planning consultant or from Natasha about her placement. I'm a little cast down about this but you know, life goes on even if the things we most look forward to don't always work out.

The Sheikh of Ascot builds a Scottish home

You know, I've only recently found out about Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid al-Maktoum of Ascot. He is from Dubai and is very rich of course. He recently suffered an outrageous slight at the hands of Highland Council planners and SNH (that's Scottish Natural Haverers by the way) who wanted to refuse planning permission for a two-storey lodge overlooking Loch Duich, on the road to Skye. It will boast two wings, 15 ensuite bedrooms and a penthouse master bedroom, a private helicopter pad and its own electricity substation - now that is pure STYLE! With two wings it will look like a bird or an aircraft.

Anyway the good local Councillors overturned the recommendations to refuse the dream home for all the right reasons. So well done Mohammed or Hammie as I like to call him. But the story doesn't stop there with a bunch of hillwalkers and bird watchers getting sent to the back of the class. Did you know that this website of mine gets hits from all round the world? Yes, and some of the recent hits have been from Kenya, Tasmania, Iraq AND Dubai! It seems obvious that Hammie has been looking at my site and will know that I am about to enter the world of the consultant. So it is only a matter of time before he is on the blower asking me to work for him.

Thanks Hammie in anticipation and good luck with your dream home!

The value of student placements

You know, it's easy to regard students as drunken, sex-sodden layabouts who spend their time doing nothing of any value to anyone. Sponging off the state I always thought. But yesterday we received a visit from a group of rather handsome East European female students who were looking for placements. They are studying a range of subjects including entertainment, dance and nursing, and were looking for jobs in the evening economy of Auchterness.

I must say I was shocked at some of the attitudes of some of the male members of staff who should have known better. The very idea of opening a lap-dancing club in Auchterness is completely unacceptable and I'm looking at the options for disciplining members of the Institute. Town Planners should reject the idea of immoral pursuits as a means of providing interest and variety in our towns - for some members of staff to actively encourage this is outrageous. I don't know what sort of training these people are getting nowadays.

Anyway although they didn't stay long, I struck up a friendship with Natasha who is a spunky girl (second from the left) and I'm hoping that she can join us for a few months. It will certainly brighten up the office and it will be good to fill a fertile young mind with some cutting edge town planning ideas.

What recession?

You know, at this very emotional time of year when we all think of departed loved ones, it's easy to forget the problems of the rest of the world and too easy to think about our own difficulties. I'm told by some of my clever friends and workmates that we are in the grip of a recession. I like to think that here in Auchterness, we have built a new community that will be able to resist the ravages of economic stringencies. Wee Betty's Chip Shop is doing fine and attendance at the church is as good as it was a year ago.

I'll tell you another area that isn't in recession - the never ending stream of vandalism and graffiti that is bringing the whole tone of our new project to its knees. These words were scratched on the front of my desk where anyone who visited could see them - BUT I COULDN'T. No wonder so many people were looking at me strangely and laughing. I'm not a fool you know - I can tell when things are not right. Someone from outside the organisation pointed it out to me - a consultant actually. At first I didn't know what it meant but he told me. I felt such a fool - as you know I want to become a consultant in 2009 (it's one of my New Year resolutions) and to have to have this filth explained to me was humiliating to say the least.

It will be a great sadness to leave Auchterness and seek my fortune in the big city. My friends have said that it would be the worst possible time to leave but I haven't seen any evidence of recession and being of an independent mind, I don't believe all that's written in the newspapers. I think I just need to put myself on the market and the offers will come flooding in. It will be one in the eye for my wife and her new boyfriend when she sees how successful I will become. But more of that later - best wishes to you all in 2009!

PS - Oh and special thanks to Anja Loscher for the chocolates - although I ate them all myself, they reminded me of the times my wife and I used to play Pictionary on Christmas Day. Sadly these times are over - she took Pictionary away with her and you can't buy anything as sophisticated as that in Auchterness.

Bad for me - good for Donald!

You know I can scarcely believe that so many months have passed since I last wrote on these pages. I could say that I'd lost my password again but if the truth be told, my career hasn't been going in the direction I had hoped and I've been rather depressed what with the bad summer and the news that my wife is about to have a child with another man. Another thing is the constant war against graffiti in the office - you know I like to keep everything clean but recently somone wrote this in the gents toilet - completely disgraceful. I feel so cast down as I look at this and all the other revolting garbage written on walls in our wee Auchterness.

I had thought about offering myself up for election to the Scottish Chapter of the Institute this year. Someone said it was a good idea and I had a number of supporters drawn from public sector organisations and of course the private sector through a well known international firm of consultants. But at the end of the day, these Institute guys are all losers aren't they? They exist to fill up the Planner with boring trash - I NEVER OPEN IT! - did you know that Mr President Whoever You Are? I'll bet most of the members don't know who the President is - I certainly don't. But the Scottish Chapter is far worse - mouth-breathers! Their little journal is recycled without being opened - straight in the bin. So I guess it wasn't right for me to join them - well maybe I wouldn't have been elected despite my strong record of rural regeneration.

I was delighted to see that Donald Trump has rightfully won his case to cart off that load of sand at Balmenie and make the place into a nice clean golf resort without any nasty newts or toads eyeing you up as you are about to take that important putt. Well done Donald and best wishes to your lovely flagrant wife! Your lucky to have a young wife - but you deserve it for being so clever and visionary!

One of my heroes

You know I'm completely in awe of the great Donald Trump. He must be one of the greatest architects and most stylish men around in our exciting world of property led town planning.

Personally I was completely embarrassed by the antics of Aberdeenshire Council in trying to refuse permission for his great world class golf development at Menie because of a few newts and toads hiding in the corner of a field. Thankfully our leader Alexander Salmond the Great stepped in to save the day though poor Donald still has to put up with the formality of a Public Inquiry which will hopefully see the opposition hung out to dry on the 18th hole.

If you're 59 years old and able to hang on to a lovely wife like Melania Knauss you must be really special. I lost my wife to a younger man only a few sad years ago so it's particularly poignant for me to see this great example of humanity, style and self confidence with such a beautiful and wholesome young wife of only 35 flagrant years. I can't help myself sometimes so I've included this lovely photograph of Donald, Melania and little baby Barron William Trump. Aren't they so great?

So good luck Donald with your development near Aberdeen. I wish I could come and play there but the best I can manage is the old overgrown pitch and putt course up the road. We are going to sell that off for a prestige development - our new civic amenity site. Maybe I should invite Donald over to talk about a new golf course - now there's an original idea!

Scottish developments are so great!

You know, I'm just sitting here on Boxing Day with my Santa hat on thinking about all the good laughs we used to have at this time of year before my wife left me for a younger man. But I like to be a positive person as you know and my mind has turned to some of the truly great things I have seen this year on my visits to important ground-breaking developments around Scotland.

It's hard for me to choose my favourite as there have been so many great new developments over the past few years. Here is a short list of the greatest ever projects according to me:

1) Glasgow Harbour
2) Ravenscraig
3) The big Tesco at Port Glasgow
4) X-scape and Ferry Village at Braehead
5) The Factory Outlet at Gretna on the Scottish Border

I may add more when I think of them. For now, Glasgow Harbour is the leader. I was there back during the summer on a wee boat trip down the river. I was completely bowled over by the quality of the architecture and the fact that it must be like having your own wee Scottish Castle - you know what I mean? You're completely isolated there with no shops or local facilities to attract neds and women of the night. You could walk out onto your balcony with nothing on if you wanted to. It looks really great too - see the wee photie I took from the boat, and notice especially the wee parkland on the left where all the seagulls live. That will be the biodiversity angle - clever.

So full marks to Clydeport for this great innovative development! I wish I could afford to live there! Today I am so proud to be a town planner!