My new friends

You know, I was so fed up with all the bad news around in May that I decided to book a holiday! A three week holiday hiking in Austria - so sorry if you've been missing me. To tell the truth, I don't think anyone does miss me, especially around the Scottish planning profession where my talents are hidden under a bushel as they used to say - or as some still say.

So I decided to commune with nature and fulfil a lifetime ambition. To go on holiday with some real men with no problems and fuss caused by women. You know I like a wee cuddle as much as the next man but sometimes it's good to just get away with your own sex. I saw an advert in one of the big papers for someone to join a group of young guys for a hiking trip in the Austrian mountains. Boy did we have a great time - seems funny now but we were drunk every evening and would wrestle naked in the snow till midnight. Then we would get up in the morning and walk for miles talking about our lives. There were six of us altogether - from left to right - Barry who is an architect, Poodle the hairdresser, Jonni who is a dancer, Ronnie the fashion designer and on the right, Charles who has had some trouble in his life and has recently spent time in prison. Honestly, you will never find a nicer group of guys.

I just wish they were planners instead of the terrible group of backstabbing bureaucrats we are familiar with in Scotland. It was good to get away from all the negativity, the crawling to toffs and unjust criticism of our great development industry that has produced such fabulous projects as Glasgow Harbour, the Tesco at Port Glasgow and my latest favourite...the Bellshill Hilton! Full marks to the dynamic team that produced that cracker.

I don't get it!

I said I would post a picture of the new Glasgow Transport Museum being built down by the Clyde. I'm not sure what to say about this except that as usual, some inebriated clown has decided to deface the area with some vile commentary about his wife or girlfriend. I'm not very good with the camera and yes, that is my thumb that you see in the top left corner - the picture is mostly out of focus but it's better than nothing.

You know, architecture isn't my field although I know what I like - and I like what I know. I don't like this building much and it seems to me that the architects, who I believe are some folk from London, don't really know what they are doing. Look at all that steel work twisted into weird shapes - do they think it might fall down? Keppies wouldn't have done that and they are one of Scotland's most innovative companies - true design leaders in the avante guard of world design and one of my favourite architects next to Donald Trump.

It did strike me that this building is going to flood a lot in the next few years and perhaps the steelwork has been used to prevent the building falling over. On the bright side, I'm impressed by the size of the car park - good buildings need big spaces around them - and the access roads to the car park are really nice and wide. In fact they are a safety feature of the area as they stop members of the public from nearby residential areas getting close to the edge of the river and drowning.

I've included a nice shot above of the surrounding area - very spacious and elegant. Below is a shot of some of the nice wee landscaping. In the distance you can see Glasgow Harbour. It's one of Scotland's leading housing projects and a world leader in regeneration and I would give it 10 out of 10 and a gold star.

They say that fools and apprentices shouldn't see things half done but I've made my mind up about the Transport Museum - I just don't get it.

Toffs win new award

You know I'm so angry this week. I had been invited to attend the launch of the Scottish Sustainable Communities Initiative on Wednesday. I didn't want to go as there was a round of the bowls competition that evening but we had put a lot into doing a submission and were quite proud of the work so I thought it was best to go. Especially if we were to win the top prize.

I can't tell you the name of our architects but they are one of the biggest firms in Scotland - really switched on like Keppies or Archial but bigger and better. We did a true 21st century scheme with tower blocks nestling in our rural landscape, nice big broad roads and sponsored roundabouts. Anyway I met up with them at Greggs in George Square in Glasgow for a pie before we set off for the Lighthouse. Honestly, the place was packed and I felt sure this was my moment to shine. To be acknowledged as one of the best town planners in the country and to springboard myself into consultancy. Nicola Sturgeon (Smart Alex's gorgeous wee assistant) was there and I wondered if she had a boyfriend but then the results were being read out. Even as the tenth successful submission was being announced I was convinced we would win. Guess what - we weren't even mentioned!

My whole body was numb as I looked round the exhibition afterwards and it was all very nice I suppose. But it seemed to me that many of the winners were schemes submitted by toffs - big landowners with green suits - and that seemed to be the way to win the prize. Somebody said to me that the "Tartan Tories have been good to their friends". I didn't know what he meant by that and I was so upset that I didn't stop to chat.

Anyway I'm back in our lovely wee Auchterness now - just having a wee glass of beer and thinking about the state of the world, my lovely wife and the mountain I'll have to climb if I'm to be recognised as a player in regeneration. I'm depressed to be honest.

Oh when I was down in Glasgow, I had a chance to visit the new Transport Museum being constructed next to the fabulous Glasgow Harbour (one of my all-time favourite developments ever) and I've got some snaps of that which I'll post next time.

Society in chaos

I'm completely appalled by this video link that was sent to me the other day. It is absolutely disgraceful and shows the total lack of respect that young people have today for the environment and people living in it. As a town planner, I'm quite comfortable with 'edgy' things like cappuccinos and the hooded culture - some of my best friends have parking convictions and I have even driven at over 45 mph on the road to Aberdeen. So you see I'm quite an easy going person. But there is a limit and this guy has far exceeded it by terrifying pedestrians, damaging railings, pulling up road signs and leaping off walls. He seems to behave without regard even for his own life.

I urge you to write to YouTube today to get this video removed, asking them to stop publicising this vandalistic and self-harming nonsense. Thanks! I'll be back when I've calmed down.

Personal attacks but some progress

You know sometimes I think I should just shut up. Since I started featuring some of the disgusting graffiti that pollutes our lovely wee Auchterness, some people have started a campaign of personal abuse against me. This is a photo I took of the executive bathroom the other week - someone with the keys to the toilet must have done this and I think I know who it is. It just goes to show that having a clean mind and respect for property counts for nothing these days. I've written to the Institute down in London about this but they won't do anything of course - they never do unless someone threatens to take away their company cars or some other perk that they shouldn't have anyway. I will continue to expose these unprofessional practices and one day I will catch the perpetrator of these deeds redhanded!

On other fronts there is nothing much to report. There is absolutely no evidence of recession here in beautiful Auchterness and life goes on at a cracking pace. We've let a tender for the repainting of the public toilet and it looks as though we are going to get a new bus stop at the end of the access road to the town - that will mean a walk of about two miles but this will encourage people to leave their cars at home. But the big news is that we've been told to expect a visit from Royalty fairly soon - I think this may be to do with me appearing in the New Year Honours but I may be wrong. We will see. I would love to meet Charlie - but Camilla will do, even if as Mohammed Al-Fayed said, she looks like a crocodile.

None of my job applications has come to anything - I think this is just a temporary hitch and the offers will flood in soon. I do feel a little bit left on the shelf though - along with all the consultants' reports that I've commissioned that are gathering dust waiting on the local council to say if they like them or not. Still even my hero Donald Trump has his off days! He is a constant source of inspiration to me. Donald and his lovely young wife can visit me any time - we'll have a nice we cup of tea and talk about his Scottish roots in the Hebrides.

Hope to write more soon when the good news starts arriving!

Scottish Planners are so great!

I was delighted to receive my own personal copy of the Scottish Planner yesterday. Guess what - it's in colour! Looks great doesn't it? Fantastic!

Sponsored by Halcrow and Biggart Baillie it's a great looking magazine and quite honestly I haven't been able to put it down. You know Halcrow are one of the best firms around the Scottish consultancy scene - they have some clever people working there with a big reputation for producing exactly what the client wants. They also do very big reports and I've always been impressed by the number of attractive fold out plans they have - that's because I'm a very visual person. Anyway, full marks to them for sponsoring this and turning the magazine into a genuine work of art.

Looking at the back cover had my mouth watering at the glittering display of talent in the Directory of Consultants. Fantastic companies like Keppie with their outstanding history really make me want to leave Auchterness immediately and head for the big city where fortune doubtless awaits. Who knows - they might read this and offer me a top job straight away!

But Roger Tym and Partners with their motto 'moving forward in new ways...' really got me excited. Just like the Institute's motto 'making of place - meditation of space', it reminds me of the days when my wife and I used to watch Star Trek and the adventures of Captain James T Kirk. Sadly these days have gone but hopefully there will soon be new frontiers for me to explore.

By the way, there's been no word so far from the Sheikh of Ascot about taking me on as his personal planning consultant or from Natasha about her placement. I'm a little cast down about this but you know, life goes on even if the things we most look forward to don't always work out.

The Sheikh of Ascot builds a Scottish home

You know, I've only recently found out about Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid al-Maktoum of Ascot. He is from Dubai and is very rich of course. He recently suffered an outrageous slight at the hands of Highland Council planners and SNH (that's Scottish Natural Haverers by the way) who wanted to refuse planning permission for a two-storey lodge overlooking Loch Duich, on the road to Skye. It will boast two wings, 15 ensuite bedrooms and a penthouse master bedroom, a private helicopter pad and its own electricity substation - now that is pure STYLE! With two wings it will look like a bird or an aircraft.

Anyway the good local Councillors overturned the recommendations to refuse the dream home for all the right reasons. So well done Mohammed or Hammie as I like to call him. But the story doesn't stop there with a bunch of hillwalkers and bird watchers getting sent to the back of the class. Did you know that this website of mine gets hits from all round the world? Yes, and some of the recent hits have been from Kenya, Tasmania, Iraq AND Dubai! It seems obvious that Hammie has been looking at my site and will know that I am about to enter the world of the consultant. So it is only a matter of time before he is on the blower asking me to work for him.

Thanks Hammie in anticipation and good luck with your dream home!