Christmas is coming!

The first falls of snow here remind us all that Christmas is coming soon and that the season of goodwill is at hand. This is not at all obvious to the local populace who are clearly victimising me by writing things about me and my company on one of the old buildings opposite our offices. I will rise above it of course.

You know, people have criticised me for not talking enough about the great work that we do here in Auchterness and our plans for the future. They say I am too negative about planning and too critical of the strutting pompous peacocks that run the show from their luxury offices in London. I give you my word that I will try to include more genuine planning information in these letters to you.

However I must say I was furious to read the begging letter received from our leaders recently seeking re-election to the boys club. The same old names - the same old faces. Not one of them could tell one volume housebuilder from another - believe me. One of those seeking re-election wrote a quite laughable statement about a building block that had lost its cutting edge. Since when does a building block have a cutting edge? As well as that, the building block was to be the 'keeper of the flame'. Wee Heather could write better than that - what a terrible example to set for those poor hopeless souls who are thinking about becoming planners. Just when the rest of us are thinking of becoming estate agents, property developers or something equally useful.

By the way, talking of wee Heather, here's a picture of the nice wee cake that I left on her desk yesterday. Nice isn't it?

£300 Membership Renewal Scandal

Somebody sent me this by email the other day - great isn't it? I've just received my membership renewal for the year and I'm absolutely furious. I could go out and get drunk right now I'm so fed up with this. As you know, the President was here the other day in his expensive Marks and Spencers suit and drip-dry shirt - the kind you have to wear when you stay in hotel rooms all the time, watching porno films when you're away from the wife. And that Land Rover wasn't cheap though I suspect they bought it second hand from one of the former colonies - that would be typical of the Institute. But we poor members end up paying for their excesses.

Somebody was saying to me the other day that the standard of planning in this country was getting worse and worse. New recruits straight from planning schools who can't write in English or spell. Housebuilding run riot, crime on the increase, shopping centres decaying not to mention foot and mouth disease and bluetooth. Planners getting backhanders and payoffs to ease development through and widespread flooding of new homes. Ten women pregnant after the Summer School. And they want to charge me £300 for a year of their boring magazine and being patronised by that idiot of a President in his ridiculous chain of office.

I think I'll become an architect. People hate architects even more than planners but at least I would know that I was right all the time instead of being unsure - they get a decent magazine too. Okay I feel better now - everywhere I look there is a better future for me than being a planner. Even becoming a trainee manager at Halfords would be better.

The President's visit

Yesterday we had a visit from the President of our Institute. Like so many of my fellow members, I did not know his name and can't remember it even now. It's like the Lone Ranger perhaps - no one knows who he is. Personally I have no idea why he came. That's Hamish from the office sitting on the back - they asked him to get off later.

The villagers were gathered around the new toilet block to welcome him and the kids were marched out of school to wave flags and cheer. He arrived in an open topped Land Rover. It was a good move as an ordinary car would have needed to be towed up the road to here as we still haven't settled our dispute with the contractor. Nevertheless I was reminded of one of these trips that the Royals make to patronise natives in foreign lands.

He asked me if I had come far and I wondered if he knew anything at all about the important work we are doing here. I asked him if it was possible to get a reduced membership fee for working in such stressful and difficult circumstances but he didn't even reply.

I tell you. if we had had a bit more time some of us might have pushed his Land Rover into the loch. What a waste of space he is.