Say no to Poundbury!

A couple of months back, I enthusiastically greeted the Scottish Planner in its new format, thinking that this was the way of the future and an open platform for all sorts of debate about the work of leading Scottish town planners, like me - but in colour. Well you know, I must admit to being very disappointed with the new issue, especially the bit about Poundbury written by somebody from that great firm Halcrow who have a worldwide reputation for giving people what they want.

I've never been to Poundbury but I believe it is a film set sort of village designed by Leslie Krier who it has been said is a Nazi apologist and who dresses in a very strange manner. Supposedly Prince Charles also had a hand in putting it together and of course it is very popular with the English because of that - they just can't resist the allure of royalty. Anyway, this article written by a scribe at Halcrow is a disgrace. What's worse is that Halcrow sponsor the Scottish Planner so they probably have a lot of editorial control - so it was easy to get this stuff published.

Now I don't mind a bit of a laugh but to imagine that there are any lessons here for hard working planners at the sharp end of Scottish developments is nonsense. You won't find cutting edge housebuilders like Taylor Wimpey or Persimmon indulging in this nonsense - unless it's the only way that they could get planning permission of course. You know, these guys are really on the ball so if that's what it takes to get the development through, I'm sure they would do it. Let's show the Prince a thing or two and build our own way - like Glasgow Harbour or Leith Docks. By the way, I saw some of the Leith developments recently - a gold star and a big tick to the folk who did that - very impressive.

The Lighthouse won't be missed - by me!

You know, I'm absolutely sick of reading about all these unknown architects crying into their tea about the closure of the Lighthouse in Glasgow. I mean who has heard of most of them - even the guys who put the current shambles together are hardly household names (Park and Page). In fact they are completely unknown. You don't hear of real architects like Keppies or Archial complaining about it. Actually, how many people have heard of the Lighthouse?

I must admit to a bit of bias here. I've only been to the Lighthouse once - for the Scottish Sustainable Communities Initiative awards - which we did not get and which was a very humiliating experience which I have found hard to forget (see my previous post: Toffs win new award). So I don't have great memories of the place. To be honest, I'd never heard of it before and when we went there to pick up the award, it seemed to be a bit of a holiday camp with people just hanging around doing nothing. I came across this picture on the web of the cafe - deserted! Just like it was when I was there.

You know, one thing I would say is that behind most celebrated 'works of architecture' there is always a human tragedy. It really isn't right that so many fine young people, including some very attractive young ladies, have had to lose their jobs because of the incompetence of management, architects and government in setting up what I gather is some sort of an elitist enclave for design that no one is interested in. On my only visit there, I felt humiliated and excluded - they made me feel like a country bumpkin. I won't forget that - and I won't miss the Lighthouse.

I'm tired of consultation - really I am

You know, I'm sick and tired of all the consultation that we planners have to do these days. Every time we want to do something, someone tells us we have to ask people what they think. It's inevitable that they won't like it so what's the point? Here's a photo of me and Mr and Mrs Macdonald - they live in a wee cottage next to Auchterness and it's a pretty run down sort of place. They're not very happy with our proposals to build a small recycling facility next to their house. If you ask me, the new brightly coloured skips will look much better than their property ever did.

For me, the issue is simple. We planners are the experts at what we do and most members of the public will never manage to comprehend the complexity of our world. Town planners always know what is best for a town and I find it annoying and insulting that nobody trusts us to do our jobs properly. Instead we are dragged out for evening meetings and have pointed fingers pressed into our chests by local ignoramuses like David Macdonald above (who also has very bad breath). The new planning system just introduced by Smart Alex and Wee Jimmy Mackinnon is almost the final straw for me.

But every cloud has a silver lining. One of the things I like about evening meetings with the public is the opportunity to meet comely young maidens who might have turned up to hear experts like myself telling them about the future of their homes. I dream that one day my evening meetings in Auchterness will be like the picture below.

Now that would be something! It gives me hope for the future. Hope that my expertise will be recognised by an appreciative audience and that planning can once again be a respected profession filled with beautiful people.

I must be stupid!

A friend of mine in the States sent me this the other day - apparently it's been going the rounds on the internet - but I must admit that it leaves me completely baffled. It seems that there is some town planning movement called New Urbanism which is quite like a religious movement. The leaders are figures like Andrew Duany and Leslie Krier though I must admit I've never heard of either of them. It seems that our very own Wee Jimmy Mackinnon - the Chief Planner of all of Scotland - is also involved in this. He's somewhere in the painting above. They get together each year for a big conference and it's a wee bit like the Jehovah's Witnesses and their Watchtower. In fact somebody told me that Leslie Krier had designed a watch tower for these New Urbanists at a place called Seaside - you can see the similarities below.

My friends in the States regard these people as very suspicious characters, distributing pamphlets and the like as if it was going out of fashion, trying to get people to plan and pray at the same time. Here's a picture of some of them in action.

I hope this sort of thing never happens in Scotland - especially in my lovely wee Auchterness. My father used to go to church but he never mixed up his religion with his full-time job. These folk are making a big mistake if they think that the cream of Scottish planners are going to start having religious feelings - it wouldn't be right, and I'm completely confused about why our own wee Jimmy Mackinnon is involved with these perverts.

My new friends

You know, I was so fed up with all the bad news around in May that I decided to book a holiday! A three week holiday hiking in Austria - so sorry if you've been missing me. To tell the truth, I don't think anyone does miss me, especially around the Scottish planning profession where my talents are hidden under a bushel as they used to say - or as some still say.

So I decided to commune with nature and fulfil a lifetime ambition. To go on holiday with some real men with no problems and fuss caused by women. You know I like a wee cuddle as much as the next man but sometimes it's good to just get away with your own sex. I saw an advert in one of the big papers for someone to join a group of young guys for a hiking trip in the Austrian mountains. Boy did we have a great time - seems funny now but we were drunk every evening and would wrestle naked in the snow till midnight. Then we would get up in the morning and walk for miles talking about our lives. There were six of us altogether - from left to right - Barry who is an architect, Poodle the hairdresser, Jonni who is a dancer, Ronnie the fashion designer and on the right, Charles who has had some trouble in his life and has recently spent time in prison. Honestly, you will never find a nicer group of guys.

I just wish they were planners instead of the terrible group of backstabbing bureaucrats we are familiar with in Scotland. It was good to get away from all the negativity, the crawling to toffs and unjust criticism of our great development industry that has produced such fabulous projects as Glasgow Harbour, the Tesco at Port Glasgow and my latest favourite...the Bellshill Hilton! Full marks to the dynamic team that produced that cracker.

I don't get it!

I said I would post a picture of the new Glasgow Transport Museum being built down by the Clyde. I'm not sure what to say about this except that as usual, some inebriated clown has decided to deface the area with some vile commentary about his wife or girlfriend. I'm not very good with the camera and yes, that is my thumb that you see in the top left corner - the picture is mostly out of focus but it's better than nothing.

You know, architecture isn't my field although I know what I like - and I like what I know. I don't like this building much and it seems to me that the architects, who I believe are some folk from London, don't really know what they are doing. Look at all that steel work twisted into weird shapes - do they think it might fall down? Keppies wouldn't have done that and they are one of Scotland's most innovative companies - true design leaders in the avante guard of world design and one of my favourite architects next to Donald Trump.

It did strike me that this building is going to flood a lot in the next few years and perhaps the steelwork has been used to prevent the building falling over. On the bright side, I'm impressed by the size of the car park - good buildings need big spaces around them - and the access roads to the car park are really nice and wide. In fact they are a safety feature of the area as they stop members of the public from nearby residential areas getting close to the edge of the river and drowning.

I've included a nice shot above of the surrounding area - very spacious and elegant. Below is a shot of some of the nice wee landscaping. In the distance you can see Glasgow Harbour. It's one of Scotland's leading housing projects and a world leader in regeneration and I would give it 10 out of 10 and a gold star.

They say that fools and apprentices shouldn't see things half done but I've made my mind up about the Transport Museum - I just don't get it.

Toffs win new award

You know I'm so angry this week. I had been invited to attend the launch of the Scottish Sustainable Communities Initiative on Wednesday. I didn't want to go as there was a round of the bowls competition that evening but we had put a lot into doing a submission and were quite proud of the work so I thought it was best to go. Especially if we were to win the top prize.

I can't tell you the name of our architects but they are one of the biggest firms in Scotland - really switched on like Keppies or Archial but bigger and better. We did a true 21st century scheme with tower blocks nestling in our rural landscape, nice big broad roads and sponsored roundabouts. Anyway I met up with them at Greggs in George Square in Glasgow for a pie before we set off for the Lighthouse. Honestly, the place was packed and I felt sure this was my moment to shine. To be acknowledged as one of the best town planners in the country and to springboard myself into consultancy. Nicola Sturgeon (Smart Alex's gorgeous wee assistant) was there and I wondered if she had a boyfriend but then the results were being read out. Even as the tenth successful submission was being announced I was convinced we would win. Guess what - we weren't even mentioned!

My whole body was numb as I looked round the exhibition afterwards and it was all very nice I suppose. But it seemed to me that many of the winners were schemes submitted by toffs - big landowners with green suits - and that seemed to be the way to win the prize. Somebody said to me that the "Tartan Tories have been good to their friends". I didn't know what he meant by that and I was so upset that I didn't stop to chat.

Anyway I'm back in our lovely wee Auchterness now - just having a wee glass of beer and thinking about the state of the world, my lovely wife and the mountain I'll have to climb if I'm to be recognised as a player in regeneration. I'm depressed to be honest.

Oh when I was down in Glasgow, I had a chance to visit the new Transport Museum being constructed next to the fabulous Glasgow Harbour (one of my all-time favourite developments ever) and I've got some snaps of that which I'll post next time.