Sunday, 18 January 2015

Neighbour Notification Notices

A typical scene from the slums of Fairmilehead
A typical scene from the slums of Fairmilehead

Hello and a Happy New Year from Auchterness! Let's get straight down to business!

You know, when I received a Neighbour Notification Notice last week from my Local Council I thought I would use it as one of my occasional advice notes on planning matters, prepared for you by your own expert planner. What could be better?

Now I know a lot of people quiver when they receive these notices. What do they mean? What should I do? Well my advice is to do nothing! I threw mine away without even looking at it! By throwing the notice away without objecting or asking tedious questions you will be playing an important role in The Enterprise and the future of our lovely wee country. I’ll tell you why. What this notice is actually saying is that the Council has received a planning application for a development which it is going to approve. It’s as simple as that! No need to worry about objecting or any such nonsense - you will be wasting your time.

Let me give you some recent examples:
  • Construction of 20 houses in the greenbelt on a Site of Special Scientific Interest - PLANNING PERMISSION GRANTED
  • Installation of UPVC Windows and Doors in a Category B Listed Building - LISTED BUILDING CONSENT APPROVED
  • Painting of External Walls of Buildings in Outstanding Conservation Area in Purple - APPROVED
Are you getting the message? Perhaps you need a little more information!
  • Application for 70 Wind Turbines in a National Scenic Area - APPROVED
  • Development of Business Units on a former Public Park - PLANNING PERMISSION GRANTED
  • Development of 700 Student Flats adjacent to a Category A Listed Building - PLANNING PERMISSION GRANTED
Great isn’t it! You see nothing can stop what we expert planners call Enabling Development. Nothing can stop the March of The Enterprise towards Total Sustainable Economic Development (TSED). We could call it the Aberdeenification of the country!

The next logical step in the process of enabling will be for Planning Applications to become unnecessary. This is to all intents and purposes the current situation as almost every application is approved anyway. Quite right too! It’s a victory for common sense and for The Enterprise. Nosey Parkers, Conservationists and Quiche-Eating Nimby Lesbians are all history. The World has changed! Wee Craigie McLaren and RTPI Scotland have triumphed. The days of women with greasy hair or even shaved heads having a say in planning matters are over. Over I tell you!

Take my advice. Next time you read an article by our own Wee Nikola Miller in the Scottish Planner Magazine you will sense the triumphalism in her astounding prose! The sense that the world has been put to rights! A sense that we have reached peak enterprise! A sense that we have run out of exclamation marks!

Personally I would love to find a woman who was strong enough to approve planning applications without even thinking about it! Exciting! A woman confident in her actions who can go all the way with a developer’s agent - to the ends of the earth if necessary! A woman who isn’t afraid to spread mustard over a sizzling sausage and bring home the developer's bacon. A woman who regards planning conditions as the namby-pamby compromise that they are!

You know, I think 2015 will be a fantastic year for everyone involved in our great profession. There is so much to look forward to. Here at Auchterness I will be pressing for wider exposure - since John Glenday at Urban Realm has rejected me as a monthly correspondent perhaps a series in the People’s Friend might be the way forward. Or perhaps the Sunday Post! We will wait and see. I will write to the treacherous Glenday again though I don’t want to seem desperate. I will keep you in the loop one way or the other.

Cheeriebye for now from Auchterness. Lang may yer lum reek! Don’t forget to drop into Auchterness for a nice wee chat and a cup of tea and a biscuit if you are in the vicinity. I think it’s Rich Abernethy this week.

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