First steps to a new life

You know, I’ve hinted to you recently that it may be time to move on from my sadly unsuccessful marriage. There is little chance that my beautiful wife will return to the fold and in any case, last time I saw her, she had developed a bit of cellulite and didn’t look much like the beautiful woman I married all those years ago. She’s put on a bit of weight around her middle and backside which I suppose is a result of too much chocolate, drink and television as the thrills of carnal activities with her young lover start to fade. So like the television, she is now widescreen too! They laugh at me at work you know - “He couldn’t hold on to his wife” or “she had to seek the pleasures of the flesh elsewhere”.  I’ve been reasonable for years now so being able to call her the Widescreen Wife seems fair after all this time.  Yes I know it isn't politically correct to stray into this territory.

Now I wouldn’t like all my fans out there to think that I had been living the life of a monk for the past wee while. Obviously an expert planner like me, occupying a prominent position in Scottish regeneration, is going to attract a lot of female interest.  Buy unlike most members of the RTPI though, I’ve always been attracted to beautiful women and this is reciprocated.  I remember one day I was out with the boy having a slap-up meal at Burger King in Elgin when this beautiful young gal sat down opposite us. I don’t mind telling you that when she started squeezing her tea bag my mind turned to other things.

A friend of mine suggested the other day that I might find a new wife on the Internet. Yes there are a lot of horror stories about people taking advantage of women called Svetlana from Belarus but there are also women called Svetlana McDonald who are ’at it’ over here - looking for a husband with a fishing boat in Peterhead for example. But to get back to my point, I wouldn’t say no to a game of chess with a Russian Grand Mistress. What do you think?

So if your name is Tatiana and you are reading this, please get in touch! You will be made to feel most welcome at my humble abode and we can start cleaning the place up and doing the dishes. There’s also a bit of sewing to do and after that I would take you out for a nice fish supper as a reward! We can talk about town planning for hours and you will never be bored again.

Looking forward to hearing from you in due course!

My terrible week

You know, it's been a terrible week - it's taken a long time for me to sit down and give you the benefit of my expert planner’s view of the latest events in Aberdeen. The double whammy last Thursday of the rejection of the magnificent proposals for Union Terrace Gardens designed by Sir Ian Wood and Keppies followed by Wee Stewartie Milne's withdrawal of the exciting New Pittodrie proposals for Aberdeen Football Club have dealt me a hammer blow.  My goodness - next thing will be the cancellation of the magnificent Western Peripheral Route.  I haven’t talked about that before but it's a magnificent strip of concrete and tarmac that will blitz vacant farmland with new development and bring new riches to the good people of the City. They certainly deserve it!

So one minute I've been angry and aggressive - the next, I've been blubbering intae ma keyboard. I found myself sobbing uncontrollably as I drove home that evening - I was weaving about on the road searching for the hankie in my trouser pocket. I imagined I saw armies of proles and philistines taunting me with their half eaten fish suppers and cans of Irn Bru.  I drove straight at them! They think they have won but let me tell you, Sir Ian and Dr Stewartie will be back!

You know, rich and clever people didn’t get where they are today by putting up with the stupidity of Labour councillors with their heads in the trough of the pigswill that is their limited ambition. People have said that Scotland is a frightened wee country -  I agree entirely. But you will see that Sir Ian will return with a new tactic that will forever sweep away the perverts, sheepshaggers and animal rights activists that inhabit the derelict gardens.

You know, a friend of mine told me recently that his young daughter had seen a young football supporter pleasuring himself on one of the benches in the Gardens while one of his friends drank a bottle of fortified wine. I won’t say what football team they were supporting but it is clear that this sort of thing is going to keep happening as long as Union Terrace Gardens exists and as long as Pittodrie is on its current site within the city.

It's a planning issue - and also a moral one.  The Labour Group have said no to the proposal - that is, no to progress, no to economic development, no to enterprise and no to beautification - but they've said yes to perverts, sex maniacs and drunkards!  Thankfully there is no doubt that this situation will be corrected and the matter resolved in favour of common sense and decency.

But what about me? Well sometimes I feel I just can’t go on. The forces of darkness seem to be in the ascendancy. Here at my lovely wee Auchterness the rain is fair pelting down - both literally and metaphorically! Just when I thought that development led planning spearheaded by a vigorous and dynamic property development industry was victorious, the black rancid syrup of the Labour Party seeps under my door to clog up the works.

My personal life has not improved - I will write more on that later but suffice to say that my young son is being brought up very badly by my beautiful wife and her young lover. He is a young hooligan now and it grieves me to say that he is becoming a Ned and a future member of the Tory party.  A selfish young fool with no respect for his elders. He doesn’t want to see me anymore so our happy weekends when we used to go to visit retail parks across the country are a thing of the past - just a little warm memory in the cold world of junket loving, spineless, unambitious, public sector nincompoops.  I will leave it at that for now but we will talk again soon.  Till then, Cheerio.

That electric feeling

You know, I haven't written to you since my post in January of this year.  I'm ashamed of that although one person commented and said they were glad that I had stopped blogging.  Yes I've thought about giving up my lovely wee blog because there isn't much more to say.  It is already victorious in its assertion that planning has been vanquished and that the property development industry has triumphed over the petty bureaucrats. Auchterness, Dave Thompson and others like me have won!  These include Dr Donald Trump, Sir Ian Wood and Sir Ewan Jamieson of Clydeport - long may his apron and compass dangle free!

I was in Aberdeen the other day.  You all know what I think of that marvellous city -  the buzz of unfettered enterprise coursing through its veins is absolutely infectious. Spellbinding!  I had a bit of business to attend to in the morning but in the afternoon I went to Duthie Park.  It's a popular public park but also a well known retreat for vagrants and down and outs - in other words, a bit like Union Terrace Gardens.  As I was licking my nice wee cone, it suddenly struck me that this would make an excellent development site.  In fact, why hadn't it been developed as a housing site or a business park - both!?  You know, we planners have to be a bit less backwards about coming forwards - as an expert planner I am full of good ideas like this and others should follow my example. Ideas like that would endear any planner to Wee Stewartie Milne and the other dogs of war prowling around the city's property market.

Later down at the docks I picked up a puncture.  I sat in the car waiting for the AA to show up and wondered about this magnificent city. I felt I was sitting in a dynamo of economic growth. I was intensely aroused by the sparks of enterprise crackling around me with their pounding pistons of profit and the arcing blue flashes of free enterprise generating a blizzard of well being fuelled by the turbines of growth. It's a completely unique feeling that you only experience in World Cities like Aberdeen or New York.

I had just been in Union Square, the new indoor shopping mall beside the railway station that also has a giraffe according to the web -  although I didn't see it. The Mall was crammed full of shoppers enjoying a little bit of retail heaven. It was a thrilling experience - so different from the derelict rat-infested slum that is Union Street. I was literally perspiring with the pure pleasure of it all. Even my cup cake was perfect!

Half and hour later I was still waiting on the AA when I was approached by a lady of the night. She was licking her lips and looked as though she needed a sausage supper, perhaps with mayonnaise on the side.  She asked me if I was from these parts. I said no but mentioned my important position at Auchterness and I'm pleased to say she knew immediately what I was talking about.  Apparently the great developments at The Best Golf Course in the World have been the subject of much discussion in her line of business.  Clearly it has been identified as a growth area - just as I have been saying for years.  Those whingeing mealy-mouthed windbags who have tried to play down the dramatic effects of Dr Trump on the local economy of Aberdeenshire must be eating their humble pie now. I'm thinking of the farmers' wives who queued up at Dyce airport to polish Dr Donald's shoes on his frequent trips to his homeland here or the local plumbers who are in a u-bend of ecstasy at the thought of the vast quantity of work clearing drains at the Trump golf course. This is trickle-down in real-life action!  Don't knock it!

The AA eventually turned up and I was on  my way again.  I know this has been a bit of a ramble but perhaps it will get me writing again.  See you soon and remember, if you are ever in Auchterness please drop in for a wee cup of tea and a natter.  You're always welcome!

My New Year Message

Well it's all over again for another year. You know, I received so much abuse for my Christmas Tree last year that I didn't bother putting one up this time. But there were some highlights: the office party was great this year. I got a yellow hat in my cracker plus a sewing kit for on the job repairs to my spaver if necessary (check the meaning here if you are not from these airts).

Turning to more serious matters though, I can assure you that 2012 will be a stunning year for planning in Scotland. Firstly, local authority planners will be stunned to find themselves mostly out of work (key words here are 'early retirement', 'package', 'job shop', 're-purposing' and 'deal to go') as the reality of their hopelessness dawns on their employers and others. Secondly, planners working for developers or consultancies will be stunned to find that it suddenly becomes really easy to get planning permission. An enormous Tesco on the edge of town? GRANTED! A palatial mansion in the middle of nowhere? GRANTED! A nice wee collection of volume builder breeding hutches on a public park? APPROVED! And this will be the day-to-day of planning work. In a few years time it will disappear altogether from local government.

At the sharp end of masterplanning, design and implementation (where Auchterness is naturally positioned as a thought leader) there is much to look forward to. Throughout 2011 although I haven't written as much as in previous years, the forces of bright light and intelligence have been extremely active. The triumvirate of Dr Donald Trump, Sir Ian Wood and Sir Euan Jamieson have bossed Scotland in the development stakes with Dr Wee Stewartie Milne close behind. It's a breathtaking and utterly fantastic situation in which golf courses, public parks and riversides will become the most desirable places to live, shop and drive to. Amazing!

Most of all, in Aberdeen later this month, Sir Ian will be carried shoulder high on a sedan chair from Torry to Union Terrace Gardens where he will announce the winner of his great competition to flatten the Victorian Slum Garden that is the current focus for wine drinking drug addicts and perverts. I hope he will be wearing his academic robes and ermine for this event.

Just as an aside, Sir Ian is a man of great insight, judgement and taste as we all know but his personal grooming is also important to him. Every day, the hairs springing from his nostrils are cut back by a team of highly trained Aberdonian fishermen and farmers. Of course I'm not suggesting that he's a Big Jessie - but a man in his position has to look good and for Sir Ian, this comes naturally. I also believe that his women dress strikingly - their skirts showing off their hairy knees - in a manner much appreciated by farmers in the area. This is why they are panting on their tractors at the very thought of selling their eggs to the catering caravans situated around the Wood Group HQ in Torry!

But I digress. Finally on the subject of architecture, I was going to write up a nice wee blog post about the Stirling Prize again but the moment past and I've let everyone down - I know. In case you need reminding, it was won by Zaza Hadid again for some school in England. I watched the programme and was impressed by Zaza himself who accepted the prize (pictured above). Truly he is the Hercule Poirot of architecture with his smooth European mannerisms and accent. I don't understand why the building won but he is the sort of person I would like to go on a hiking trip with and enjoy some naked fighting in the snow!

Anyway enough for now. I will be back to report on the Union Terrace Gardens result and on many other exciting developments in planning in Scotland. Cheery Bye now and all the best for 2012!

Christmas Sabotage!

You know, I've been absolutely frantic over the past few weeks. I discovered that most of my lovely cherished photos were missing from my wee blog for 2009 - one of my most fertile periods. They were replaced by a big triangle the same as the one above - dozens of black boxes and white triangles! My lovely wee blog was critically injured and sabotaged. I was in tears.

I checked with Google to find out what had happened and soon the truth dawned on me. Now I didn't know this but when you have a Blogger blog like this one, all your images are stored on a Picasa site - I didn't even know I had one! Well I do now and I've found out that a complete folder of images was deleted from my Picasa site, irretrievably, by someone close to me. The person who did this was my own son - the boy! I've never hit the boy but I came very close to it this time.

I haven't talked much about my personal life recently as there hasn't been much to say. I haven't seen my beautiful wife in over a year although I still take the boy out every second weekend. He is handed over to me by an intermediary. I don't enjoy it much - he has become a monster. A selfish inconsiderate young thug, always wanting the latest gadgets, always wanting more - obviously going to be a Young Conservative if you ask me. It's clear that he isn't being brought up properly by my wife and her young lover - yes they are still together - but what can I do?

Anyway it has taken me two weeks to try to put it all back together again. Some of the images were rescued from Google but the quality isn't the same. I was heartbroken when I discovered that the great shot I took of my new male friends hiking in Austria was missing - I was fair blubbering into my keyboard when I discovered that. Inconsolable! I've got a poor quality version back but it isn't the same.

So there are a couple of lessons for the Festive Season. Firstly, always back up your data and your website. Secondly if you have a son who is the victim of a marraige broken by lust and the pleasures of the flesh, don't let him near your computer and don't tell him your password. I hope you all had a Merry Christmas.

Perth enters the 21st Century

You know, I was keeping my powder dry on the subject of the Perth City Hall demolition until the dust had cleared. But this morning I received my personal copy of Project Scotland, - the wonderful construction news magazine that features many photographs of 'Village People' type men in hard hats and other entrancing visions of a better Scotland revolutionised by the development industry - and just had to set out my stance on this as an expert planner.

So let's get started! The story is that Councillors in Perth have approved plans to splash out some £4.4m on a demolition operation to clear the city’s B listed City Halls in order to create room for a new square! Fantastic! According to Urban Realm (the best source of gossip and tittle-tattle about architecture in Scotland) the dreadful and depressing building has lain empty for years since the Council constructed a new concert venue. So you can see that it is ripe for demolition. Indeed it is low hanging fruit if I might continue the organic analogy.

It's hard to see what the fuss is all about isn't it? A derelict building being cleared away to make a new square or perhaps to make way for a new development such as a small Tesco and car park - so what? Well let me tell you that this would be an excellent initiative and would free the taxpayer of a huge liability. In fact consultants hired by the Council (probably the excellent Halcrow) speak of an additional spend per person per visit of £23 as a result of an increase in visitor numbers and lengths of stay in the vicinity of the building. This is because people don't like old buildings and prefer to be in a place where there is new development and beautiful people rather than the fat women in sandals and brightly coloured cardigans who hang about old buildings.

No doubt the conservation movement will be gearing up to protect this old ruin but they will be wasting their time as Perth decides to enter the 21st Century by having a truly contemporary centre. In fact this is just the first small step for a Council whose huge ambition and foresight could see most of the city centre's old building stock cleared away in a dramatic move to place it in the same league as Aberdeen.

Good luck to Perth and Kinross Council - they are demonstrating the very best in modern planning and I have have given this project a gold star and 9 out of 10 in my little notebook. We should all give them every support!

The true heart of Aberdeen

You know, I meant to tell you about this a few weeks ago but somehow it slipped my mind. To be honest, I've been on the edge of my seat waiting for the results of the Union Terrace Gardens competition - in the full expectation that nothing short of the complete levelling of the existing gardens will triumph but sadly there is no news yet.

Meantime, I thought you would be fascinated and excited to read my report on the true beating heart of enterprise in Aberdeen. No it isn't Union Street - it vanished as a great part of town many years back. No it isn't Union Square either though it is certainly worth a big gold star in my little notebook. It's the headquarters of the Wood Group nestling in East Tullos Industrial Estate just across the railway from the slums of Torry. You can see the clever strategy at work here - baiting the plebs with a great view of rich people at work. David Cameron would be proud! This is the working home of Aberdeen's Giant of Enterprise, Economic Colossus and Patron of the Arts, Sir Ian Wood. This is where it all happens and it's the beating heart of the city.

I drove down there in the autumn and boy was I excited! The first thing that struck me was the amazingly high standard of design - the elegant entrance sign, reminiscent of the giant black stone slab in 2001 A Space Odyssey that the monkeys gathered round. Same idea here but in silver and red. I expect that all employees will wear a uniform - and they will be proud to do so.

As an expert planner I was totally numbed by the extent of the surface car park - a truly great design - and so large that I could barely make out the headquarters building beyond. Fantastic! As I've said many times before, the size of a car park is in direct proportion to the virility of the designers and the success of the business attached to it. So the Wood Group are no slouches! As I peered through the security fencing I could just make out the stunning cream coloured walls and the rustic pitched roof of the offices. Amazing, or 'awesome' as the boy would say. I was perspiring and trembling with excitement.

You know, once Sir Ian gets his hands on Union Terrace Gardens we are in for a real design treat. He is so obviously a man of great taste and judgement and entirely the best person to redesign the centre of Aberdeen, making a silk purse out of the sow's ear that is Union Terrace Gardens. So if the same talents in architecture, landscape design and town planning that laid out the Wood Group HQ are let loose on Union Terrace Gardens, Aberdeen will become one of the design centres of the World. Without question.

But meantime, let's try to be patient and see if there is any news this week - keep your eyes peeled for an announcement in the Press and Journal! I know it's a terrible newspaper but it's cheap and it loves Dr Donald and Sir Ian so buy it!