Public art disease found in Coatbridge

You know, an admirer of mine sent me this nice wee photie of something terrible that has happened at Blair Bridge in Coatbridge next to the Monkland Canal. It's another piece of work by cliché artist Andy Scott, this time commemorating the work of renowned comic book writer Mark Millar, who grew up in the town. The six-metre high steel archway shows a character called Captain Coatbridge and two female superheroes - it was commissioned as part of on-going efforts to regenerate the canal but it looks really out of place to me against the old stonework of the canalside. I hope a lot of you are saying, "Oh no! Not another metal thing-me - please make it go away!"

Andy is probably making a good living producing all these bits of welded up steel - and goodness knows we all have to make a living somehow. I wrote earlier this year that one of his works, positioned on a roundabout, had been successfully destroyed by a drunk driver (fantastic wasn't it?) but unfortunately there is no word of others biting the dust. It's very sad for our nice wee country that we only seem to have one artist - he crops up in Cumbernauld, on the M8 at Baillieston, at Port Glasgow, almost everywhere, including Lomondgate! And because they are all done in the same galvanised finish, they look like bits of motorway signs that have been misplaced. Soon people will be saying that their towns are quite distinctive because they don't have a bit of scrap metal stuck in the middle of a roundabout.

Spare a thought though for poor Andy. I'm sure he is a creative sort of person so it must be really boring for him to be churning the same old stuff out all day long for every commission. So if I can give him a wee bit of advice it would be to stop doing these metal motorway signs and bits of horses and find another look for his stuff.

But in fact you will usually find that town planners are involved in commissioning public art so the blame can be laid at their door. I think this is a disgrace for a profession already on its knees as a result of incompetence by the goons in London and their inability to adopt the wisdom of the market economy in dealing with regeneration. All this public art stuff is a sideshow that the real movers and shakers in this country will avoid at all costs. So my advice to the RTPI Borg is to stop commissioning public art and get on with some real work.

Sensible SEPA - magnificent MAXIM

Hello friends, colleagues and enemies. I've decided to return to the fray for the next few months to bring you some more of my unique and insightful views on planning, architecture and the Scottish property industry. So much has happened since my last post but I won't go over much of that old ground. Instead I will pick some of the highlights of the year so far. You won't be surprised to hear that one of the most important events was the deal between SEPA (the Scottish Environmental Protection Agency) and MAXIM, the totally magnificent business park which I had previously referred to as Eurocentral.

According to the Herald back in July, MAXIM signed SEPA as its anchor tenant after more than six months of talks. It's taken a long time to get to this point but that isn't surprising - a development so magnificent in its cutting edge design and avant-guardness that it hasn't even made it into the pages of most architectural magazines, won't sell out in the first week. That of course is the meaning of avant guard - so 'out there' that the multitude don't even know about it. And I can tell you now that most architectural critics are struggling to find cliches to describe it! It is the work of Keppies of course, a personal favourite of mine and one of Scotland's greatest box ticking and innovative companies, able to beat off any incomers when it comes to procurement, cheap developer-friendly design with an international feel and they are truly thought leaders in the world of greenbelt developments and pushing out the boundaries of the city into useless farm land.

Now SEPA have really nailed their colours to the mobile phone mast this time! The protector of Scotland's environment has chosen an out of town location with endless car parking and easy access to motorways for it's new premises. Remember that one of MAXIM's greatest selling points is that you can go there by car without any worries about congestion or parking! Staff can have barbeques in the woods at lunchtime and help to drive wildlife from land that would be better used for development. Saying no to so-called sustainable but outdated city centre locations by closing offices in East Kilbride and moving 350 workers from Edinburgh, Stirling and Perth is a major slap in the face for the long haired sandal-wearing hippies who favour public transport and other daft ideas. SEPA have risen considerably in my estimation and I'm sure have a great future. Let's hope that other organisations follow their good example.

Glasgow School of Art - some new thinking

You know, sometimes the most obvious things in the world escape people because they are blinded by history, tradition and habit. Two of my fans wrote to me last week suggesting that I should write a review of the proposed new building for Glasgow School of Art. As you can imagine, I was delighted that my expert view on this matter was sought but at the same time, I was horrified to uncover the real truth of what is happening on Garterhill and the sloppy thinking that has dogged the project so far.

So last night I settled down to write this post while listening to a cassette tape of The Lark Ascending by one of my favourite German composers, Ralph Von Williams - marvellous stuff! First of all some basics. The proposal will be constructed on the site of two wonderful buildings by Keppie Henderson and Partners - the Newbery Tower and the Foulis Building. I'm trying not to show bias here - as you all know, Keppies is an all time favourite of mine - but it is quite ridiculous to contemplate the demolition of these fine structures, especially when an older building across the street is apparently to be kept.

Now I've heard all about Mackintosh - in fact I always carry one of his raincoats in my briefcase - but he should not be regarded with any respect. After all he slunk off from Scotland to work in England for a bit, then went to France to do a bit of painting and decorating - so he was effectively a tax exile!

The Art School needs more space - that seems clear. Doubtless they also need space for student parking and that sort of thing. I wonder if they have thought of moving to a greenfield site or perhaps a business park where there is plentiful parking? Probably not because they are wedded to that old wreck of a building on Garterhill. But such a plan would release their multiple sites in the area for more profitable uses and the dynamic Scottish property development industry would welcome such a proposal.

Now in relation to the proposed new building I must say I like it! It has presence and it is strikingly contemporary and large, towering over its insignificant neighbour across the street but, and that is a big but, it is facing the wrong way! The obvious answer is to demolish the Mackintosh building, keep the far superior Keppie buildings and build the Stephen Hall building on the site of the old Art School. Job done - problem solved.

The Enemies of Enterprise

You know, I was trembling with excitement when I read the latest discussions about the planning system in England in Planning this week - apologies if you can't access this because you are not an expert planner like me! Down south, planning is regarded as being a major barrier to economic expansion. It's just what I have been saying for a few years now and of course, much of this free-range thinking has been adopted in Scotland for some time now with major developments like Edinburgh's Garden District getting the nod from the Scottish Government without a planning application even being submitted. Fantastic!

The Tory Vince Cable said, "I hear countless stories of perfectly reasonable developments being thwarted by bizarre planning rules. We want the standard answer to be yes - not no". Well actually the standard answer is yes or yes..subject to and sometimes no so that shows how much he knows. And on the same day, Cable also implied that the planning system was a major contributory factor to the recession down south. Nothing to do with the banks at all! Nothing to do with lack of borrowing opportunities! Just planning holding everything back. And last weekend while I was writing about MIPIM and wondering why my daffodils hadn't come up, David Cameron was talking about the "town hall officials who take forever with those planning decisions that can be make or break for a business" - they are among the "enemies of enterprise" who must be identified and destroyed.

Now you and I know this is just political posturing - but at the same time, the writing is on the wall for many of these enemies of enterprise - we see enough of them here in Auchterness! Let's think about the Enemies of Enterprise in Scotland - in fact, let's make a list:

• local government officers who spend more time reading the Sun and drinking Irn Bru at their desks than dealing with planning applications
• planning officials who refuse to take brown envelopes and holidays abroad as part of the Planning Gain agreements
• development management staff who turn down invitations from developers to accompany them to lap dancing clubs
• community activists who have issues around personal hygiene or who wear sandals and grey corduroy trousers
• overweight women in brightly coloured cardigans who shout at developers during public meetings
• noisy children carrying placards and dropping litter
• anyone from Newton Mearns (the middle class slum near Glasgow)

These people represent a small proportion of the population yet they have a disproportionately negative effect on business, enterprise and property development - in fact they are clearly destroying the country. I have identified them - who will take them on?

Scotland - no money for a good time at MIPIM

You know, at this time of year when the sap is rising and a healthy young man's thoughts turn to property development (and other things), it is just as well that MIPIM 2011 is just round the corner. After a long hard winter of doing deals, flattening historic buildings, devastating greenbelt and building masses of breeding boxes for the plebs or shiny new business parks for the plutocracy, it's natural that the property development industry should look to shake the dust from its portfolios and head for the sun.

Now for you ignoramuses out there, MIPIM (Marché International des Professionnels d'Immobilier) is the world's greatest trade show for international property development and takes place annually in Cannes, attracting almost 20,000 participants from almost 70 countries. In reality it is one big party! Of course I'm sure that some deals are done and doubtless some servant architects will make connections with new clients and hope that they win a big job. But for most it is allegedly about drink, drugs and sex.

There is an interesting article in the Sunday Herald today (not online) about Scotland's non-attendance at MIPIM this year. There will be no official representation by Government, public agencies like the beleaguered Scottish Enterprise or Councils - with the exception of Edinburgh who are going of course. Also some Scottish firms will definitely be there as the lure of those scantily clad Russian maidens plying their wares is too strong to keep young property folk in Scotland during a dull overcast March.

So perhaps the message has got through to public agencies about the alleged orgies and drunken capering at MIPIM. On one hand it is a national disgrace that Scotland is not represented on the Riviera. On the other hand, some say that it is not always easy to point to an instant return from such an event - well try telling that to the well known property executive who needed a course of injections when he came home or the prominent local government officer whose wife found some unusual female under-garments in his suitcase on returning home. I've never been to MIPIM unfortunately so I wouldn't know - but I would leap at the opportunity of course! Scottish Enterprise says that 'restricted budget availability' is the reason for their non-appearance. Maybe they are just not up to it anymore!

An Unnecessary Rethink

You know, after the shambolic and inaccurate mess of my post last night I thought I would try to make amends by writing about an important study which has been brought to my attention by the amazing Bell and Scott's daily delivery of sector knowledge. Bell and Scott have one of the best doorways through which you can view the dynamic Scottish property development industry at work.

Today, they opened the door onto the Draft Area Development Framework for Edinburgh Waterfront and Leith, an area I had previously referred to as an epicentre of dynamic growth. This smouldering hotpot of development has been one of Scotland's development success stories and, like Glasgow Harbour, it is totally unique. The command that Forth Ports and Clydeport have exercised over their respective harbour areas is truly world class.

So it is quite remarkable that the City of Edinburgh Council, assisted by the highly secretive organisation known as A+DS (shortly to be wound up in all probability), the Prince's Foundation and others have decided to 'refresh' the plans for the Waterfront. The report states that, "The sites at the waterfront are among the most significant development opportunities in Europe. Unfortunately, some of the developments first approved and developed at the beginning of the 2,000s have failed to meet this expectation. As a consequence, it is evident that it will take considerably longer for development in the waterfront 'areas of change' at Leith, Newhaven and Granton to be fully realised. Also, some of the recent development models will no longer be desirable in the present financial climate." To my mind this is saying that the previous work has been a failure - how can that be? Incredible! So now they've decided to sit around with Prince Charles eating Duchy Originals, scribble up a few plans and write a big report. What for?

Anyway one of the interesting things about this report is the language. You know, we expert planners are always keen to talk about strings of pearls, green fingers and the like. This time we have a beating heart, a Great Street and a Merchant City. In fact we have a number of beating hearts, presumably accompanied by a twinkle in the eye, cauliflower ears and a club foot though I haven't been able to find them yet. This is all meant to confuse the public of course because the last thing planners need is interference from the local community and certainly the development industry will be anxious to avoid having to deal with busybodies wearing sandals and brightly coloured cardigans. Not surprisingly though, news of this story in the Scotsman has caused an eruption of antagonism in the comments section which is well worth reading. If anyone seriously wonders why we planners like to avoid consultation just read this!

In my view, Edinburgh has made a big mistake in refreshing the plans for the waterfront areas. What can the Prince's Foundation possibly know that global design firms like RMJM and others don't know? RMJM have prepared highly regarded plans for their private sector masters and managed to ignore community wishes along the way - an excellent strategy that has borne fruit in Glasgow Harbour. This is a waste of public money and will lead nowhere.

For what it's worth, you can download the report from here.

Goodbye, Man in Motion

You know, my professional and personal lives have been so completely dismal over the past few weeks that I haven't had the energy to contribute anything to the Scottish Planning scene. I won't go into all of that for now as I'm determined to be positive. But just when I was feeling so down yesterday, I read the fantastic news that cliché artist Andy Scott's awful Man in Motion installation had been largely destroyed in a car accident. Isn't that great? By the way, I was very remiss in not crediting Delphwynd with taking the great wee photie on the right above - you can see more of his work here and thanks for letting me use it!

Now first of all, I hope no one was hurt in this incident. Police are still investigating so they haven't come out and said openly what everyone knows is the truth - that this was a deliberate piece of sabotage aimed at undermining the regeneration of Tullibody in Clakmannan- not the City of Dundee as I wrote earlier ( you see how stressed I am at the moment). I await confirmation of this with great interest and amusement. Of course it's ironic that Man in Motion should have been felled by a car - it just shows you that Clackmannan need to address the road safety agenda as well as all the other rubbish they spend money on.

I'll try to keep this brief because I'm still laughing. but I sincerely hope that this intervention was carried out deliberately by some nice wee middle class lady rather than by some drunken ned high on Buckfast in a stolen Vauxhall Nova. It's about time that good sensible people fought back at this patronising and ridiculous policy of providing Andy Scott with work whenever an area has been identified as a slum needing a good kick up the backside. See that rubbish Arria statue at Cumbernauld - it will be next. I hope it will be flattened by a thoughtful HGV driver.

The only cloud in this story is the prospect of Andy being brought in and paid a lot of money to repair the damage to his creation. Let sleeping sculptures lie I say. Down with public art!

And apologies to everyone for getting my geography so wrong - I am an idiot!